Balancing thinking and doing...

I find myself spending hours (HOURS!) researching things on the internet. Granted, this is probably just a general problem I have with moderating my time on the internet, but there's a bigger issue, too. I spend more time learning about things, figuring out how things should be done, than I ever do actually doing them. I use the learning as a procrastination tool. Take health food and natural products for example. For months, I've been casually reading about eating less processed foods and using more natural home products. But my actual use of this growing knowledge isn't proportional. Somehow the act of thinking about living a certain way gives me the illusion that my life is actually that way. What a sad illusion. I think more than I act. I think more than I write. I think more than I live.

There is a time for thinking. Thinking and planning are good because rushing into things unprepared can have negative consequences. But I need more balance between the thinking and the doing, the research and the experimenting. I'm getting better at writing first and editing later. I need to translate that more into my life as well. Act prudently, act rationally, but act!

And if it's not yet time for acting, it is best to reconsider whether I should really be wasting my precious time learning about something I'm not willing or able to do yet. Better to be honest and have balance, than to waste my time with possibilities. Better to say "no" or "not yet," than to confuse myself with "maybe"s.

A reminder that God is still at work

This beautiful tree right in front of my apartment has been smiling at me all week. This week started out incredibly hard. At one point, while I was exhausted from all of the emotions, I went and sat on the couch and stared at this tree. I knew as I looked at it that I needed to remember that God creates beautiful things. He was and is still doing an incredible work even in the midst of my struggles.

As the week went on problems got solved and situations improved. Now I look at this tree and walk by it smelling the sweetness of the flowers and I don't have to struggle to remember His beauty. In the tough AND the easy times, He sends reminders that He's been working all along.

Grad School - Why I'm Here

At first I was planning on posting the personal statement that I wrote to get into graduate school. After reviewing it, though, I decided that this is all you get to see:

Science does not stand alone in the world as an impartial, indifferent, autonomous field of study. It is affected by the fact that science is driven by the passions of men and women who are humans before they are scientists. The knowledge, theories and machines that come out of science are, after all, the products of minds which were first captivated by something elegant, beautiful or true. Sadly, the scientific disciplines have largely lost sight of this, gradually aiding in the dehumanization of modern society.* This was neither an inevitable nor a necessary development. ... For the most part, science is tacked onto a liberal arts education as a necessity for functioning in a technological society, rather than integrated with the humanities as an important component of being a free, contemplative human being. ...**

The ellipses mark a lot of content that you don't get to see. But now maybe you can get an idea of why I chose to study the history of science. I had a vision of being some sort of advocate between the disciplines, showing liberal arts students how they can integrate science and the humanities. One of the questions I'm mulling over, now that I'm about 3/4 of the way through my first year - was my goal a realistic expectation of what grad school would prepare me for?

________________
* This is a controversial statement that I'm not going to defend here right now. It has to be admitted, though, that science, just like anything else, has had major negative consequences despite all the good it does for humanity.
** Obviously the lines between the disciplines aren't as black and white as I've painted them. I may have sensationalized the differences a bit. In this day and age there is a lot of interdisciplinary work going on.

Note to tomorrow's self

When those super annoying writers and teachers encourage you to write fifteen minutes a day - listen!

It seems really silly, I know... "I don't have enough research done! I don't want to! I really should write for more than that!"

Just do it. Why? Tomorrow you'll have a better idea of where you're going with this paper. Tomorrow you won't feel guilty that you got nothing written the day before. Sure, you may throw it all out tomorrow. But you'll have the power to throw something out, instead of the fear of having nothing at all!

So do it. Write fifteen minutes today. And tomorrow. And the next. It works. Really.

(I know because I just did.)

"Pull yourself together!"

^ I know that's a generic phrase, but I have a specific movie reference in mind that I can't recall right now. Anyways...

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I just hit one of those nasty patches of grad school - "just" as in about half-an-hour ago. I've let my procrastination of writing go a little too long for comfort. I've failed to meet self-made deadlines (those are the worst for me because then I feel guilty when I don't really have to). I spent hours today reading a scholarly book about stuff that I never wanted to learn about (you'll just have to take my word for it that you never wanted to learn about it either). I'm in a general "blah..." mood when it comes to academia.

Tomorrow's Tuesday, though. That paper still needs to be written. I have to finish reading that book, no matter how unpleasant it is. Grad school is my job and like everyone else I will have to get up and (figuratively go to) work tomorrow.

There needs to be some balance between coddling myself by trying to stir up internal motivation with warm, fuzzy feelings and (figuratively) slapping myself and saying "pull yourself together!" The best solution I have now is pray about it, sleep, and try again tomorrow.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
(Lam. 3:22-24, ESV)

Also especially important for me to understand:

It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
(Lam. 3:27, ESV)

"Carry On"

Two things:

1. I had a great spring break, 

and

2. I love, love, love this phrase...

Actually, make that three things:

3. I need to visit that bookstore one day :)

Staying in touch

Gotta love Instagram... ;)

I often stink at keeping up with old friends, especially ones far away. I've let some great friendships slip and while I sometimes regret it, I think it also is a fact of life. Some friendships are temporary. They only last as long as you both need them to. The ones that can last long-distance also seem to be the ones that last long-term.

Transitioning to a new city has been incredibly tough for me. In the midst of the difficulties of finding and participating in a community here, the long-distance friendships that I have been able to maintain are priceless. Skype is a Godsend. And snail mail has been wonderful, too. Yesterday I got yet another letter in the mail from a very dear friend. It was about as close to a genuine conversation and a great big hug as you could get in a letter. I never thought I would be much of letter writer, but somehow because the other means by which I usually would keep up with this friend are gone (she has limited internet access and poor cellphone reception in her area), I've really enjoyed learning how to communicate in this form. Granted, one of the reasons it works so well is because we are both just scatter-brained enough to keep going on for pages and pages. We've been able to put our voices into our letters, so our humor and personalities come across.

I don't plan on picking up letter-writing as a serious hobby through which I communicate with all my close friends. Things like this work so much better when there is a real reason to do it, not just the sentimentality of "oh, wouldn't that be nice?" Just as tradition for tradition's sake can be deadening, letter-writing for letter-writing's sake misses the point - connection with those you love. There is nothing wrong with connecting through Skype or Facebook or email instead of through paper and postage stamps. Meaningful communication should be the important thing, not the medium.

Lent: Contemplation and Action

I mentioned to someone this week in passing that I had given something up for Lent (as an explanation, not simply to blab). The question came up: why? Why do people do this? Being a rather low church Protestant, I responded with a "What Lent Means to Me"-type answer. I understand some of the tradition and hope to learn more over time, but for now my conviction is an amalgamation of what I've heard and what I've thought myself.

Lent is preparation for the Easter celebration, a 40 day preparation. Through fasting and meditation, we prepare ourselves to mourn and be thankful for the work that Christ did through His death and, most importantly, to celebrate the victory of His resurrection. By going without for an extended period of time and then participating in the restorative nature of Easter Sunday, we experience on a microlevel how God has taken us out of mourning and suffering into life and joy through Christ. Experiencing sacrifice and then celebration on a tangible level helps us to remember the greatest Sacrifice, and the greatest Celebration (in which we are always participating).

Unfortunately, I (as I am sure others do) easily treat Lent as a kind of New Year's. My sacrifice for Lent becomes little more than a resolution. "It would be good for me to have less of that. Maybe I will give that up for Lent." And then I can pat myself on the back, knowing after going without for 40 days, that I could really give up that if I had to. Silly me. I want to embrace a greater vision for Lent, otherwise I don't see the purpose in participating. Empty motions may be pretty, but they are still empty. I would rather embrace those motions with their meaning intact. Lent does have significant meaning. I don't want to discard it simply because I am a weak participant. I will keep trying.

Weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9-10, ESV)

The problem? I am not content with my weakness. I hate the fact that I deal with fear and insecurities because I know that they are stealing life from me. I hate that I can only do so much, that I have limitations. I am restless and the thought of resting in Him doesn't seem like enough work to do. Aren't I supposed to fix this? Aren't I supposed to try to become better, to become more brave? Isn't that what He's called me to? No. Not in this way. I don't understand how I'm supposed to function with a weakness that paralyzes me. I'm so used to fixing everything by working and trying harder. But some things won't be fixed that way. Somehow I'm to trust that His grace is sufficient. Somehow my weaknesses are temporary. By some great, glorious miracle, I am being sanctified. I feel unworthy for Christ's power to rest upon me and yet, for that very reason, it does.

Model Blogs

I still don't have a clear picture of what I want to put here, although it is coming along a little better than 24 hours ago when I created this blog.

To get some ideas, I thought about the elements of the blogs I really love. I follow lots of blogs, but the two I have on the sidebar right now are my favorites.

Chatting at the Sky

This blog is so full of grace - grace for the everyday, grace for challenges, grace like God gives. Some blogs I've seen seem to idolize "simplicity" and "thankfulness" without seeing them within a bigger picture of God's greatness. This blog puts these things into perspective. The simplicity here is a simplicity of childlike faith, not anti-consumerist simplicity-for-simplicity's-sake. The thankfulness here is thankfulness to a Creator, not to creation itself.

The latest entry - for your weekend - reminds me of the perfect spring weekend, especially the ones from when I was much much younger.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I love love love love this blog. Love it. A lot of the content isn't yet applicable to my life (e.g. homemaking, child raising, homeschooling, etc.) but it is still so wonderful to read because it is incredibly encouraging. There is grace here, too. Grace to love God, raise a family and enjoy life in a purposeful, yet unhurried way. Someday this blog will be a great help to me. Right now it is a great model of contentment.

I would love if my blog could do a little bit of what these blogs do - express contentment and joy with where I am. Is this going to turn into a grad school blog? Maybe. I'll probably discuss some of that here, but I doubt that will be my focus. Still thinking...

Where I've Been

Here are some old thoughts to fill up space until I get some new ones ready:

(January 2008)

One of the things that drew me to study the classics was the inspiration to see life as more than just a series of steps that one goes through until life is completed. I like to believe that behind the expected paths we take (high school, college, career, marriage, children, etc.) there is a more poetic meaning to it all. In the classics and in my other studies I find glimpses of a beauty that pervades time and cultures, a beauty that inspires joy and encourages us to keep pursuing the ordinary things of life. I’m learning to accept that life isn’t about getting awards or checking things off a list; it is about accepting what life is and enjoying it for its paradoxical simplicity and complexity. I hope someday to share the things that I’ve learned (and have yet to learn) with others.

Lack of planning...

As soon as I hit that "Create Blog" button and was asked to name my blog, I knew I was in trouble. Making this blog was sort of a spur of the moment decision. I've been vacillating for a while about whether or not I want to blog. I guess the answer is "Yes." But now what? I have no plan, no concept, few ideas... I don't even really know what I was trying to get at with that title - "Abstract Adventure." It's supposed to have something to do with the contemplation of the "adventure" of life. What that means concretely (see what I did there?), I don't yet know. Stay tuned...