The Unknown

It's pretty fantastic when God speaks even through the incredibly mundane tasks of graduate school life, like reading for coursework. I came across this the other day:

The nature of serfdom was encapsulated in Bracton's saying that the serf does not know today what his lord might order him to do tomorrow. (Paul Freedman, Images of the Medieval Peasant, p. 84)

How true is that? We never quite know what God will ask of us tomorrow. The season I'm in right now is one of having to walk by faith. I can't plan my future step-by-step right now, there are way too many unknowns. I'm so used to having Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. for my life, that to stop now and live one day at a time and leave the future for the future is incredibly difficult. He is a good Father and His plans for me are good. Can I trust that they are good even though they are unknown? I'm so used to being fearful of those things that I don't have figured out. I have to learn that the unknown is not a bad thing. In fact, because the unknown is completely in His hands, it is in fact a very good thing. I have no control over it. I have no way to manipulate it. It is entirely His right now. That should be an exciting comfort. Who knows what tomorrow brings? He does, and I can be content with that.

On theology (part 1)

In my experience, really good theology is rarely taught from the average American pulpit. Theology tends to be cordoned off to a Sunday school class or a seminary program. The problem with this is that theology is really important, nay critical to spiritual growth. Why? Theology is, by definition, the study of God. In order to grow in relationship with God, we must strive to know Him better. That of course requires that we study Him, that we inquire of His nature. To claim that we have an intimate relationship with our God and yet hold beliefs that are contrary to His revealed truth is hypocrisy. Granted, the study of theology takes time. We will never be able to know God in His fullness in this mortal life. We will get things wrong. But we are called to disciple the nations and since a key part of discipleship is leading and training  them in the truth, we cannot treat theological training as an optional "expansion pack" for the Christian life.

To be continued...

Easter

I've broken the cardinal rule of blogging already (the "write consistently" one). My excuse - I had an emotionally exhausting week. A good week when it all comes down to it, but a tough one nonetheless. It feels so appropriate that it was during Holy Week, too. Easter comes and our hope is restored. He is making all things new.

A reminder that God is still at work

This beautiful tree right in front of my apartment has been smiling at me all week. This week started out incredibly hard. At one point, while I was exhausted from all of the emotions, I went and sat on the couch and stared at this tree. I knew as I looked at it that I needed to remember that God creates beautiful things. He was and is still doing an incredible work even in the midst of my struggles.

As the week went on problems got solved and situations improved. Now I look at this tree and walk by it smelling the sweetness of the flowers and I don't have to struggle to remember His beauty. In the tough AND the easy times, He sends reminders that He's been working all along.

"Pull yourself together!"

^ I know that's a generic phrase, but I have a specific movie reference in mind that I can't recall right now. Anyways...

-----------------------

I just hit one of those nasty patches of grad school - "just" as in about half-an-hour ago. I've let my procrastination of writing go a little too long for comfort. I've failed to meet self-made deadlines (those are the worst for me because then I feel guilty when I don't really have to). I spent hours today reading a scholarly book about stuff that I never wanted to learn about (you'll just have to take my word for it that you never wanted to learn about it either). I'm in a general "blah..." mood when it comes to academia.

Tomorrow's Tuesday, though. That paper still needs to be written. I have to finish reading that book, no matter how unpleasant it is. Grad school is my job and like everyone else I will have to get up and (figuratively go to) work tomorrow.

There needs to be some balance between coddling myself by trying to stir up internal motivation with warm, fuzzy feelings and (figuratively) slapping myself and saying "pull yourself together!" The best solution I have now is pray about it, sleep, and try again tomorrow.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
(Lam. 3:22-24, ESV)

Also especially important for me to understand:

It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
(Lam. 3:27, ESV)

Lent: Contemplation and Action

I mentioned to someone this week in passing that I had given something up for Lent (as an explanation, not simply to blab). The question came up: why? Why do people do this? Being a rather low church Protestant, I responded with a "What Lent Means to Me"-type answer. I understand some of the tradition and hope to learn more over time, but for now my conviction is an amalgamation of what I've heard and what I've thought myself.

Lent is preparation for the Easter celebration, a 40 day preparation. Through fasting and meditation, we prepare ourselves to mourn and be thankful for the work that Christ did through His death and, most importantly, to celebrate the victory of His resurrection. By going without for an extended period of time and then participating in the restorative nature of Easter Sunday, we experience on a microlevel how God has taken us out of mourning and suffering into life and joy through Christ. Experiencing sacrifice and then celebration on a tangible level helps us to remember the greatest Sacrifice, and the greatest Celebration (in which we are always participating).

Unfortunately, I (as I am sure others do) easily treat Lent as a kind of New Year's. My sacrifice for Lent becomes little more than a resolution. "It would be good for me to have less of that. Maybe I will give that up for Lent." And then I can pat myself on the back, knowing after going without for 40 days, that I could really give up that if I had to. Silly me. I want to embrace a greater vision for Lent, otherwise I don't see the purpose in participating. Empty motions may be pretty, but they are still empty. I would rather embrace those motions with their meaning intact. Lent does have significant meaning. I don't want to discard it simply because I am a weak participant. I will keep trying.

Weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9-10, ESV)

The problem? I am not content with my weakness. I hate the fact that I deal with fear and insecurities because I know that they are stealing life from me. I hate that I can only do so much, that I have limitations. I am restless and the thought of resting in Him doesn't seem like enough work to do. Aren't I supposed to fix this? Aren't I supposed to try to become better, to become more brave? Isn't that what He's called me to? No. Not in this way. I don't understand how I'm supposed to function with a weakness that paralyzes me. I'm so used to fixing everything by working and trying harder. But some things won't be fixed that way. Somehow I'm to trust that His grace is sufficient. Somehow my weaknesses are temporary. By some great, glorious miracle, I am being sanctified. I feel unworthy for Christ's power to rest upon me and yet, for that very reason, it does.